Flashback from my days in the Soviet Army

Took my a while to find the right pictures, but this is the amphibious armored vehicle of the Soviet Army, called BTR-60. As the name suggests it was introduced in the 1960s, but some countries still operate them even today.
Since I was a radioman, I got to ride in a very special version of this P.O.S, designated BTR-60PU. Unlike the standard APC version, this vehicle does not have a turret and was never meant to carry any grunts. Instead, it has 5 UHF radios inside and a 10-meter telescopic antenna on top. You have to extend the damn antenna every time you stop, just in case your commanding officer wants to call his wife or feels like ordering his lieutenants about. After you’re finally done extending the antenna itself, you also need to secure it with 4 cables staked to the ground, just in case a little breeze knocks that %^##$ antenna down.

Oh, but you only get to ride that BTR on special occasions, like wartime or maneuvers. In peace time you’re stuck with another P.O.S – GAZ-66 command vehicle. The radios are still there and so is the damn antenna, but at least this truck has 2 beds and a table, all too small.

To save gas for the power generator, the Soviet Army doctrine calls for the truck to be connected to any electricity available when stationary. I remember my driver once connected 220v power wires incorrectly, reversing the polarity (Soviet Army soldiers never bothered with such useless things as power outlets). The whole truck’s body became a one big “don’t touch me” area. I’ve learned that the hard way by trying to open a door and got glued to it, shocked by all that electricity going through my body, unable to disengage. Good thing my driver had enough brains to pull me down, damn the man. Couple of minutes later I realized I never thought I knew THAT many Russian cuss words….

 

 

Navy Speak Unleashed

Example of how sailors speak to each other:

Me and Willy were lollygagging by the scuttlebutt after being aloft to boy butter up the antennas and were just perched on a bollard eyeballing a couple of bilge rats and flangeheads using crescent hammers to pack monkey shit around a fitting on a handybilly.

All of a sudden the dicksmith started hard-assing one of the deck apes for lifting his pogey bait. The pecker-checker was a sewer pipe sailor and the deckape was a gator. Maybe being blackshoes on a bird farm surrounded by a gaggle of cans didn’t set right with either of those gobs.

The deck ape ran through the nearest hatch and dogged it tight because he knew the penis machinist was going to lay below, catch him between decks and punch him in the snot locker.

He’d probably wind up on the binnacle list but Doc would find a way to gundeck the paper or give it the deep six to keep himself above board. We heard the skivvywaver announce over the bitch box that the breadburners had creamed foreskins on toast (SOS) ready on the mess decks so we cut and run to avoid the fustercluck when the twidgets and cannon cockers knew chow was on.

We were balls to the wall for the barn and everyone was preparing to hit the beach as soon as we doubled-up and threw over the brow. I had a ditty bag full of fufu juice that I was gonna spread on thick for the bar hogs with those sweet bosnias. Sure beats the hell out of brown bagging.

Might even hit the acey-duecy club and try to hook up with a westpac widow. They were always leaving snail trails on the dance floor on amateur night.

Need a translation? Head to temporaryduty.org

 

US Navy = 0, Canadian Navy = 1

ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

Americans: “Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.”

Canadians: “Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.”

Americans: “This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.”

Canadians: “No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.”

Americans: “THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT’S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.”

Canadians: “This is a lighthouse. Your call.”

Now, this is not a true story, but the the joke was around for so long that US Navy had to officially deny that any such event ever took place. The story can be traced back to 1931 where it appeared in a Canadian newspaper. Depending which version you read, the ship’s name can be different, but it’s always Canadians vs. Americans. If you absolutely need to know every single detail about this “incident” head to snopes.com for more reading.

 

Gee I wish I were a man, I’d join the Navy!

Here’s a collection of 40 awesome Navy recruitment posters. The poster below features Bernice Smith who was the first woman to join the Navy in 1917. The story of her and the poster can be read here

All 40 Navy posters as well as Army and Marines posters are available on PBH2

 

How to simulate Navy life at home….

I stumbled on my own post just minutes ago and thought it’s worth sharing.

• Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Four hours after you go to sleep, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble “Sorry wrong rack“.

• Every so often, throw your cat into the swimming pool, shout “Man overboard, starboard side!“, run into the kitchen and sweep all the pots/pans/dishes off the counter onto the floor, then yell at your wife for not having the place “Stowed for sea“.

Much more is available on Kree-Pedia Navy Fun page